My Life Purpose
When I was 20 years old, my Dad had a heart attack. I was the only one home with him when it happened. Waiting for an ambulance he said to himself, “Not now! I’m just figuring it out.”
In the car, the nurse told him to undo his belt and take off his watch. He removed his wristwatch, turned around in the front seat and looking me straight in the eye, handed the watch to me. I heard the unspoken communication “I’m out of time. You figure it out.”
Figure what out? The Emotional Piece……
My Dad was different than most people I knew. He lived in Pure Awareness a good deal of the time. He was always creative and shared that with his kids. He was totally creative at work, loved his job. He treated all people with equanimity. The labourer who swept the floor and the vice-president of the company were treated with equal and personal respect. He was the efficiency man, could cut through thick, messy problems with ideas that resolved complex issues with simplicity and relative ease. He did this both at work and with his family.
His family of origin were immigrant Jews who created significant money and wealth in North America. They were driven, sometimes ruthless, often angry, judgemental people, survivors of the brutal anti-Semitism of pre-World War Europe.
He came by his enlightened attitude when he found himself the sole survivor of his US army troop, when they faced enemy fire on the front, in an event in the 2nd World War. He decided then and there that his not being shot was an experience of pure Grace. From then on, he felt he was living on borrowed time. In that instant when he realized that he was the ‘last man standing’ he decided that all he had been taught about control and survival was meaningless, that a Higher Power controlled our life and death and he surrendered to that Power. But, emotionally he remained tied to his family, to their judgements and manipulations, tied in with the conditioning power of Jewish guilt, approval and disapproval, tied to the stories, beliefs and fears. This cut into his peace. He was just facing and dealing with those dependency ties, when he died.
I have always longed to be in an elevated state like he often was, but my dependency issues were more pervasive than his. I could always ‘see’ the clearer truth in any situation but always followed my conditioned beliefs of how I ‘should’ be, what life would be like if ‘I were good enough’.
I was depressed, although I expressed anger. I suffered from panic disorder as well. I gave 10 years of my life to alcoholism. I wanted, more than anything, to ’figure it out’. I thought I was crazy. The diagnosis was ’emotionally disturbed’. No therapy made sense to me. AA was, perhaps, the most effective treatment for my problems.
I found my ’enlightened space’ in the Creative Process as an artist. From this, I began to absorb higher descriptions. I identified with New Age thought, finding it the spirituality of creativity.
Still it seemed the emotional, social problems of my grandparents and parents repeatedly played themselves out in my life. At age 57, I was on my own, plagued by constant intense anxiety and panic, even while depressed. I could see ‘truth,’ especially in the art studio, but I could only feel it in the art studio. I could neither feel or live the Creative Process in my life, otherwise.
I wanted the ‘spiritual solution’. I needed to be anxiety, panic and depression free. But for those disorders, I had not genuinely felt emotion since the age of 6.
The Pure Awareness techniques that I found on the internet seemed to be skills that fed the Creative Process and not only relieved but ultimately eliminated inappropriate emotion pain.
I studied PTSD resolution and Core Dynamic Coaching with Tom Stone of Great Life Technologies, and found an answer to the questions symbolized by my father’s watch.
I found the completion offered me in “The Emotional Piece”.